America! Fuck, Yeah!!

Today is July 4th, which may mean just a usual Saturday here in Canada, but south of the border this day marks the United States’ independence from the Limeys. So, I’d like to wish any American readers I may have a happy 4th of July and I trust you’re not drinking any warm pints or eating any beans on toast with a side of mushy peas.

As I did with my Canada Day post, I’d like to use this holiday as an excuse to single out a few American musicians for special consideration. And by special consideration I, of course, mean ridicule.

Despite his flashy cycling shorts, Axl Rose’s form of patriotism may not always be the most inclusive. In the Guns N’ Roses song “One in a Million”, for example, Rose sang:

“Immigrants and faggots
They make no sense to me
They come to our country
And think they’ll do as they please”

The nerve of thinking you’ll do as you please in the land of the free.

Now, not to come across as an Axl Rose apologist, but I think it’s fair to say that most things, with the exception of nut-hugging spandex shorts and behaving like a world-class asshole, “make no sense” to Axl.

Keith: "Get our fuckin' oil out of your fuckin' sandbox right now, Ali Babba!"

Inbred guitar picker Toby Keith handily puts the “yo!” in “slack-jawed yokel”. Typically, country musicians don’t get much attention on this blog but as country is the most popular genre of music in the US, it seems fitting that Keith be recognized here today.

Toby Keith had a hit a few years back with a song called “Courtesy Of The Red White And Blue (the Angry American)”. A sample of the righteously pissed off lyrics read:

“Justice will be served
And the battle will rage
This big dog will fight
When you rattle his cage
And you’ll be sorry that you messed with
The U.S. of A.
‘Cause we’ll put a boot in your ass
It’s the American way”

Of course if you’re an Iraqi citizen, you’ll be equally sorry you didn’t mess with the USA ‘cuz they put a boot in your ass anyway, whereas the only thing the Saudis got in their ass was George Bush’s tongue.

Ted Nugent doesn't care about black people...Or, judging by his lame music, any people

I’m not too sure what to make of the Nuge always walking around draped in the confederate flag. I mean, he knows the Civil War ended in 1865 right? And he knows the South supported owning slaves, right? I mean, what the fuck, man?

As you know, Ted Nugent is a washed-up musician, well-known loudmouth and right-wing gun nut who supports the wholesale slaughter of pretty much every living organism except his own cottage-cheese ass. The Nuge is pro-war, but like all artistic geniuses he’s got his vexing contradictions. In his case, he’s only for war when it’s other people doing the fighting. That’s right—Nugent dodged the draft during the Vietnam war.

Here’s an excerpt from an article at campusprogress.org:

“As patriotic as Uncle Ted claims to be, he pulled a nasty stunt to evade Uncle Sam during the Vietnam War. In a July 15, 1990, Detroit Free Press interview, Nugent crowed about how he managed to dodge the draft. He claims that 30 days before his draft board physical, he disavowed personal hygiene. The last ten days he ingested nothing but junk food and Pepsi, and with a week to go until the physical, he stopped using the bathroom altogether. When the big day came, he had been living in excrement-caked and urine-stained pants. Always the hero, however, Nugent reassured the Free Press, “But if I would have gone over there, I’d have been killed, or I’d have killed all the Hippies in the foxholes. I would have killed everybody.””

I’d like to leave you with the theme song to the film Team America: World Police, from which I took the title of today’s post.

Have a safe and happy weekend whether you’ve got a long one or, like me, just a two-dayer.

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